


No I don't want to be afraid (ENG)

by Mery_Berry



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Broken Draco Malfoy, Coping, Depressed Harry, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Grief/Mourning, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Healing, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Hurt/Comfort, Isolation, Loneliness, M/M, POV Harry Potter, Panic Attacks, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Redeemed Draco Malfoy, Redemption, Sexual Tension, Short Chapters, Slow Burn, draco and harry are getting close, draco wants to do good, draco wants to help, harry keeps having nightmares, lots of first yeah..., ron and harry's friendship is unstable
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-09-25 11:10:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20375782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mery_Berry/pseuds/Mery_Berry
Summary: After the war, Harry stayed isolated at the Grimmauld place, refusing to go outside. He's falling deeper and deeper into depression.But Hermione manages to make him agree to return to Hogwarts. A place filled with bad memories and anxiety for Harry.Although, he will soon realize he's not the only one that's being haunted by the war. He will find a new ally in the most unexpected person.The two boys will help each other coping.And they will try to fix what can still be.





	1. Eat !

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This is a translation, this fic is actually being written in french.  
But I thought it might be fun to try to translate it, so I can practice and improve my english. 
> 
> So please, be open minded about that when you read. It might not be perfect, maybe even full of flaws. 
> 
> But if you see something that bothers you, it would be great if you could tell me in a comment so I can fix it and learn ! 
> 
> Anyway, hope my translation is good and enjoyable.

Harry hadn't stepped outside a single time since the war. Locked in his godfather's gloomy house, his nose stuffed with dust and his skin that used to be so tan now turned milky due to the lack of sunlight. Under his eyes you could now find dark circles, betraying his many nights of insomnia. Hollowed cheeks from his lost of appetite, he had lost his good looks. The glorious boy who had lived was only a mere shadow of himself. And he could see the concern grow in his friends's eyes everytime they came for an imposed visit.  
He hadn't smiled since his so called victory against Voldemort, his lips now felt rusty. Ron had tried to make them curved again until he had lost hope. The first weeks, he was acting in a exaggerated euphoria around Harry, it was too much to be believable. The boy had just lost a brother after all and Harry couldn't bring himself to believe he had actually manage to find joy again so quickly. It was all an act to prevent the chosen one to fall into depression. Touching, but ineffective. Worst even, seeing him making so much efforts was just bothering the boy a bit more.  
Every time Harry laid eyes on his friends, he could feel his heart tighten in his chest, the price of the war weighting on his shoulders. All the sacrifices, the mourning. He had won in the eyes of the world, but the boy felt like he had lost everything in return. A heavy outcome. He couldn't help himself but feeling guilty, althought he knew he wasn't nothing else but a pawn in this fight. A pawn without will. _ It's not your fault _ Hermione kept telling him. _ You didn't choose this war, Harry. _  
It was his destiny, but he couldn't stand the thought that his name had become the emblem of this conflict. Praised in every corner of the world. He was in a way flattered by the happiness the freedom had brought, but also he felt stained by the lost it had cost. Condemned to remain still and always the boy with the famous scar, too closely associated with the Dark Lord. He would never be able to turn this page from his story, never become anything more than what he had been in that moment. When he had watched him finally die, yet impregnate him more than ever.

Harry now spent his days sprawled on the sofa from the second floor, contemplating the void, lulled by the silence. He was losing himself in thoughts, constantly replaying the war in his head. Trying to go back in time to understand, to look for a flaw somewhere. As if to justify his guilt, a need to find a moment in past where he had missed and let all this misfortuine come out of it. So far, he had gone back to the graveyard, focused on the scene to analyze every detail of it contained in his memory. _ What is the night that became the trigger ?_ He was wondering.

Faithful to his new habits, he is now once again lost in the retrospective of his past. Focused on this moment. He sees Cedric's body again, and his own while he was restrained to the statue. The blood on his arm, the one that allowed Voldemort to come back to life. How can he not feel guilty when it's his own blood that brought back the greatest terror of the magical world ? Closing his eyes, the boy sighs, rubbing his temples. What if, that day, he had let Cedric take the cup by himself ? Why did he had to go to the end of this tournament he never even wanted to be a part of ? He could have simply dropped out before even entering the labyrinth... Not caring about his pride. Because really, that's all it was then, pride, nothing more. People were already spitting enough insults on him for no reasons, he didn't wanted to had the label of coward in addition to all the rest.  
Siris, Dumbledore, Fred, Lupin, Tonks, Dobby and even Snape... Would they still be alive ? Harry growls in frustration. Too many names on this sinister list. _ Fuck, fuck, fuck ! _

Suddenly interrupted when knocks are heard against the front door, Harry comes out of his torpor. Straightening up painfully, his eyes dark, he takes a deep breath before leaving the sofa to go open. He knows very well who's hammering the door, because this scenario is now repeating itself daily. He can never enjoy his loneliness. And also, he knows that it's useless to try and play dead to ignore the intrusion. They would eventually force the door if he refused to open.  
Unsurprinsingly, Harry finds a familiar brown head on the doorstep. Her long in untamed hair, her hazel eyes shining with constant thinking. Hermione and her determination to never miss a visit. Yet, Harry is surprised to find her alone, looking behind her shoulder, he was expecting to find the usual red head. But there's not a single soul to be seen.

"Ron ?"

The boy simply asks, as a greeting, always keeping his words to a minimum. To open his mouth requires too much efforts lately, to speak exhausts him.  
He brings his green eyes back to his friend's. As always, she's putting on a smile. A smile so fake that it pains Harry to see it. She does not tire of trying, but he's getting annoyed to always see her try so hard to pretend everything is fine. Like he should still be protected from the truth, the chosen one that must be handled with care. That must be kept away for problems and worries. Because he had already suffered enough, hasn't he ?  
He doesn't like this special treatment. He who has always wanted to be a an ordinary boy among the others. He feel his jaw tense, his face as always blank.

"He was sleeping so well this morning, I didn't wanted to wake him up."

She answers while sneaking inside, pushing to boy from the door, her arms laden with books. Harry feels the uncertainty in her voice despite the light tone she's trying to give herself. He's guessing a lie, or at least a very evasive answer that is hiding some other explanation that she's refusing to give him.  
Without a word, he follows the girl who's already heading towards the kitchen and hurries to offload the books on the large table in a relieved sigh.  
All this seems very useless to him. Hermione strives to make up for their missed year, passing their exams by owl thanks to a special permission. All that so they can simply go back to Hogwarts and keep on as if their life had never been interrupted. As if they could forget so easily, pretend and just move one.  
Harry feels tense at the mere sight of the books. They represent a hope he can not reach. He doesn't want to go back to Hogwarts. Walk again where everything ended, where all this horror occurred.  
He's shivering at the simple thought of it, a knot in his stomach, he feel nauseous.

"You should stop coming Hermione."

He says coldly to the girl who looks up at him. This is not the first time they're having this conversation, Harry has already tried many times to take the idea of coming here out of her head. But she's stubborn. Perhaps more than Ron whose determination he felt was getting weaker over the weeks. And now he seems to have finally decided to give up entirely. Maybe he's the smartest one of the two, maybe he has realized that saving Harry Potter was a mission doomed to fail.

"Enough with that ! Just sit Harry."

She answers with a firm tone, though without raising her voice, while taking a seat herself. Harry closes his eyes for a moment. Taking a deep breathe before yielding. He does not have the strenght to fight again, he doesn't want to argue. He just wants this to be over as quickly as it can. He sits facing her, staring at her for a moment while she's already grabbed a book to review its content.

"He gave up, didn't he ?"

He asks suddenly and the girl takes a quick look at him before plunging back into the pages of her book.

"No Harry, it's true he's starting to lose hope, but he has not given up on you yet."

"I... I just wanted to be alone for one, it's been a long time. Just you and me. And also, I had things to do before coming here. This I wanted to do on my own."

Her eyes are suddenly getting darker with sadness, the sadness she's usualy always hiding. Losing control for a brief moment. She tries so hard to always look like she's alright, but Harry can now see trough the lie. Frowning his brows as the girl tries to put her mask back, chasing the melancholy from her face.

"What things ?"

Harry asks with an inquisitive tone, wishing more than anything that she can finally be honest with him and allow him to see her flaws.  
Hermione clears her thoat then stands up suddenly, heading for the stove, she fills a kettle with water and put it on the fire. It seems like an excuse to avoid facing him and buy time to gather her thoughts.

"I... went back to my old street this morning, to see my parents. Just to check on them. I saw my mother, she was looking for her car keys in her bag." She laughs softly as if she was evoking a tender memory. "Her bag may not be magical, but she always managed to make it even more stuffed than mine. Making it a hard mission to find anything in it. By rummaging through it, half of her stuff fell on the ground just as I was pretending to walk by her. So I... I helped her pick her things up. It was the first time I was able to see her so closely since... since that day. She smiled and said _ thank you miss _... miss..."

Hermione's voice breaks, Harry can see her lower her head. He hears the knot in her throat, her beathing qiver as she tries to control herself. He feels almost guilty to be relieved to hear this sad story, to feel his friend weaken like this. To evoke her own losses, her own sonsequences. Because for a moment, she finally stops lying. And even it he feels the guilt gnawing at him, Harry feels like he can touch again, even from the tip of his fingers, the link that used to make them so unite. That link that had gotten so superficial and fragile since the war.

"I'm sorry."

He whispers and she turns to him. Her eyes are wet but no tears have flowed.

"Harry, it's not your fault !" _ This again... _ " I don't want you to feel guilty."

She approaches slowly to put her hand on his, but Harry pulls away, averting her gaze.

"But I am guilty Hermione ! If I hadn't been the boy who lived, if I was never born-"

"Oh shut up with that !" She interrupts him firmly, getting slightly upset. "Without you the world would simply have been ruined from the start. Yes, we all suffered losses, but compared to what could have happened..." She stops a moment and take a breath as if to calm down. "If we had to do it all over again, we would all still accept to pay this price."

Harry remains silent, lowering his eyes to his knees, he twitchs. Maybe she's right. The alternative would have been much worse. But the boy continues to dream of other scenarios whose conclusion would have been gentler on them all. He feels Hermione's hand touch his neck. As if to appease him. But he shudders and tense up at the touch.

"All this Harry, it will pass. The future is full of promises now, thanks to you. You can not continue to flog yourself like that. You did not save the world for it to be in vain, do you hear ? We bloody won, you saved us Harry !"

She continues with a tone now softer, now stroking the black and greasy hair. He can feel her voice charged with warmth and good intentions. He can see all her efforts to convince him that what happened was a good thing and not the other way around. But he still can not believe it.

"Not all..."

He add in a whisper. And he can feel her tense at those words. Annoyed by the negativity in him that she can't seem to erase.

"You..." She begings, ready to argue with him, but quickly gives up. Shaking her head. "How about you go take a shower Harry ?"

She simply suggests, stopping there their conversation. She knows that it's useless to insist. The boy is as stubborn as she is. She can only hope that he will eventually change his mind. But she also understands that she will not be ablo to force him to do so, she can't push positivity into him. Harry has do to this work by himself, no matter how much she tries to reassure him. She just hopes he knows he's not alone...  
The boy nods before getting up without a word, heading as suggested towards the bathroom. He's dirty, he knows it. He hasn't washed for three days now. His condition is deplorable. He didn't even changed from his pajamas. He can even smell himself at this point.  
He also takes this opportunity to isolate himself, the air becoming to heavy in the kitchen.  
In the hot shower, he closes his eyes, tries to breathe slowly to calm down. Yet in reality he just wants to scream. Since that moment where everything stopped in the courtyard, he's been holding that urge to scream in his throat. And it's eating him.

When he comes back to the kitchen, his hair still wet and wearing clean clothes, Hermione has finished making tea. He finds beside his mug, a plate filled with two toasts spread with jam. He looks at the breakfast prepared for him without much conviction. He doesn't remember his last meal, yet he doesn't feel hungry. The girls has already resumed to her studies, her nose in her book, a quill scratching a sheet of paper next to hit.  
Her eyes then move to Harry, then to the plate.

"Eat, you need it."

She tells him when she sees him look at the food almost with a disgusted look on his face. Harry shakes his head.

"I'm not hu-"

"EAT !"

The boy flinches at the order. Hermione is obviously losing her patience with him. He rarely hears her raising her voice. She looks at him almost angrily. But Harry sees mostly despair in her eyes. And a feeling that he has rarely seen on the face of the brunette. Impotence. Like she's struggling to find the answer of a problem. And for once, she can't. Because she doesn't know how to save him anymore. Harry is a problem that she can't solve. And it's a first for her.  
Feeling her gaze still on him, the boy feels almost terrified.

"Ok, I understand Harry, you feel guilty or whatever, you don't realize that you've done much more good than harm. You believe you're as responsible for all the unfortunate incidents than Voldemort himself. You don't want to get that idea out of your head. All right. But if you want to fix things now, don't force us to look at you wither away. Do not become an additional mourning. You did not survive in vain. Ron and me, we're still here, and we need you. Do you understand that ?!"

Her honesty leaves Harry disconcerted. But he needed that. He nods silently and gives in because he understands. Yes, he understands this time, and Hermione's words awoke something in him. He who couldn't find any meaning left in life, who couldn't even understand why he was still breathing. She manages to remind him of something he had forgotten. This friendship that unites them. The love for his friends. Despite the shame Harry feels towards them, he doesn't want to lose them, of cause them more pain.  
All three of them, they are indeed still here. It's a miracle he can't ignore.  
Catching one of the toasts, he forces himself to take a first bite. He can see a light smile of relief appear on Hermione's lips before she plunges back into her study.  
The boy slowly forces himself to swallow the whole toast, but can't bring himself to eat the second. His stomach is, after all, drastically reduced. For the time being, she will have to be content with this small effort.  
But he can feel that she's already considering the half-eaten meal as a victory. When she understands that he's finished with eating, she pushes a book towards him.

"Now, study."

And he does without trying to protest again. Not knowing if he's just bending to satisfy Hermione, or if he's starting to actually consider the idea of going back to Hogwarts. Give life a chance. Or at least, maybe try.

...


	2. I can't...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry goes back to Hogwarts, but he's faced with his demons...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.
> 
> So... I have to say, it was a little more difficult for me to translate this chapter than the first one.  
I hope I still did a good job.  
But I realize it's a bit hard to translate actually. Maybe harder than just writing straight in english.  
So I still have chapter 3 to translate (the one with Draco yea yea), but after that I'm considering just continuing the story in english... (Then translate to french haha)
> 
> Actually I've realized whilst translating that I use a lot of french sayings that do not translate... Or they do but they just don't make any sense. Also words that, in their straight translation, lose their meaning. I tried to rewrite those sentences, but I may have left some without knowing.  
So if you see something that doesn't make sense, please let me know so I can edit it.
> 
> I won't be offended if you leave a comment correcting me. I'm even asking for it. I want to improve, that's why I'm translating / writing this. Isn't drarry the best way to practice ? I think it is.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter ! Thanks for reading :)

"Oh come on now, take it off. Seriously, it's ridiculous. Everybody knows it's you !"

Ron says rolling his eyes, looking at Harry who seems determined to keep his hood down to his nose. At first, he wanted to hide under his cape, but Hermione had managed to convince him to leave it in his suitcase. _ You won't be able to spend the whole year hiding.... _ She had a point, unfortunately for Harry.  
But still, he wanted to try and be as invisible as can be. Wanting to disappear in the crowd, but surrounded by his well-known friends, no one is fooled.  
Even though people are clearly recognizing him, he still refuses to expose his emaciated face. No longer knowing if he's really trying to just hide himself or simply hide the rest of the world through his reduced vision, the hood only allowing him to see a sea of legs.  
He's not ready to face the stares, let his eyes meet the gaze of all those people. He wishes to hide in a enclosed space, a place he would be the only one to have access to. Somewhere far away from this crowd that is teeming on the platform. 

"Leave him Ron !"

Hermione hisses, reprimanding her boyfriend. And harry feels grateful. She seems to respect his need for time, understand his desire to flee. She's already relieved to see him on this platform, ready to go back, and she knows how to be content with small victories. Trying to be patient and to not ask too much of him.  
But the readhead is impatient. He can no longer stand to see his best friend being erased, he forces and jostle in the hope to find the one he knew again. But Harry is not sure that can happen. The one he once was died along with his enemy. Literally died... Thinking of it, Harry believes he may have left a part of him behind, that maybe he didn't come back whole. 

Among the crowd, he can already hear rumors, his name on everyone's lips. His heart speeds up and he hurries to get on the train, not stopping when someone tries to catch his attention. He feels the panic grow, he wants to hide as fast as possible. His eyes on the ground, breathing a little too fast, he finally reaches an empty compartment. He rushes in, followed by his best friends who are baffled by his pace. He then hastily closes the door.  
Letting himself fall on the bench against the window, he closes his eyes and exhale, trying to regain control of his breathing. _You are safe now. _ He comforts himself, feeling a bit better now that he's in this small enclosed space. Far from the crowd that is still swarming on the platform. 

"I'm actually not sure it's was a good idea for me to go back Hermione." 

He whispers, turning his anxious green eyes towards her. He had accepted to go back, but now that he's here, he's more convinced than ever that it was a mistake. He doesn't believe he can do it. Incapable of being around all those people who suffered because of him. Of returning to the scene of the battle probably haunted by memories. His eyes are almost imploring the brunette, he wants her to give him her blessing and allow him to give up and leave. But she sill seems determined to drag him back to Hogwarts. To force him to resume the course of his life.  
She takes a seat in front of him. 

"You're wrong Harry, it is the best idea. But I never said it would be easy..."

She tries to smile to calm him down. This time though, she doesn't reach to touch his hand. She came to understand that the physical contact is too much for the boy. 

"Either you go back there and you take on you to fight until the days get less dark, or you stay locked up in this sinister house and let yourself die. Of the two options, you took the right one Harry, believe me." 

Harry already heard this reasoning dozens of times, but she continues to repeat it over and over. As if to firmly push this idea into his brain. She pounds as many times as necessary. And, as always, Harry nods without really believing it. But at least, it silences her.  
Ron sighs at his best friend's defeatism. Too clumsy to know how to deal with it properly. He's just tired of it. In return, he receives a dark glare from his girlfriend. Harry hears them bickering in a low voice without actually listening. His mind already lost elsewhere, absent. He contemplates his anguish and the terrifying idea that, in a few hours, he will be standing in the courtyard again. 

Harry kept his mouth shut throughout the all journey. Mute, he finds it easier to pretend he's asleep. Hours spent with his eyes closed, feeling his pulse getting faster and resisting the urge to change his mind and apparate back home. He doesn't even care if it tears his body in thousands of pieces due to the movements of the train. Maybe the idea even seduces him...

"Harry !"

A voice brings him out of his morbid thoughts. Maybe he had actually dozed off a bit. A hand on his shoulder, Hermione is shaking him gently before taking a step back.

"We're here." 

He can hear the worry in her voice, because she knows very well the impact this news will probably have on him. And she's not mistaken.  
Harry's throat suddenly feels tight, he opens his eyes to discover the platform whose sight used to warm his heart. Back then it was his favorite moment, the one where he was finally feeling home. Relieved to be back, to find haven. But now, the platform seems to defy him, and he can feel his body shudder at its sight.  
He turns his head to look at his friends. Ron is already at the door and Hermione is waiting in front of him. He can feel her repressed desire to reach out to him, he sees it in her twitching fingers. Their eyes are begging. They are both afraid to see Harry disappear at any second. To fail so close to their goal.

"We have to go now Harry... Come on."

Ron insists, in a tone less annoyed than the one he has recently gotten used to use. Maybe Hermione's scoldings finally got to him.  
Harry lets his eyes hesitate between his friends for a moment, before finally nodding and getting up. Lowering the hood properly on his head, he follows their legs which are the last thing to appear under the line of the fabric.  
Blind to the rest, he breathes heavily but endures. Seeking isolation in his head, he tries to suppress every uncomfortable thought. He imagines landscapes in his mind, with clear and peaceful horizons. It keeps him from thinking too much. Disconnecting from reality throughout the rest of the journey to the castle. He feels like a empty body being transported in the carriage, pushed in a state of lethargy.  
If he empties himself of all emotions, he surely should be able to not feel anxious anymore, right ?  
Wrong.  
As soon as he sets foot in the courtyard, although he can only see the pavement under his feets, his heart starts to race.  
His breathing stops and he then dares to look up only to freeze instantly when he discovers a memorial standing in the center. Built from a wreck, the huge stone, that recalls the partial destruction of the castle that night, sits in the middle of a circle of fire that is never to be extinguished. On its surface are engraved the names of all those who fell for freedom that day. He feels a knot in his stomach, a sudden urge to throw up. His vision soon becoming blurred. He doesn't even realize he has squeaked in shock.  
He feels terribly small and fragile facing this memorial which has the effect of a blade going straight trough his chest. His legs wobble and he avoids the fall only thanks to Ron who, feeling him weaken, quickly passes a hand around his waist to support him. 

"It's gonna be okay Harry." 

He whispers with compassion, then taking his hand in his, he gently squeezes it. Harry allows the touch this time. Because he desperately needs it. He turns his attention to his best friend, seeing his gaze as become almost as broken as his. He too suffers at the sight of the memory. And for a moment Harry feels less lonely in the battle with his demons. He lets his forehead fall on the shoulder of the readhead who gently pat on his back.

"Everything will be okay..."

He whispers again, his voice hoarse.  
Harry needs this so much, to hear him simply comfort him, to feel the pain being shared. More than he ever thought. This is the first time the two friends are collapsing together since the war. That Ron shows him something else than a pretend happiness. The sincerity of his best friend had terribly missed him. He feels relieves thinking that maybe he finally understands now how much pretending has been ineffective of him. And for one, Harry wants to believe it. Yes, it will be fine. It can be fine. 

He stands up and leave the embrace of his best friend, then discovering a Hermione looking at them with a slight smile. Tender and moved. The one she always wears every time she witness them reconcile. Even tough this time they hadn't really quarreled, they had certainly started to move away from one another.  
It is obviously not an embrace that will restore everything and stabilize their relationship, making it as it once was, but, since the war, they have learned not to be greedy, knowing how to appreciate each small victory. Every little step.  
Reaching out to Harry, she also offers comfort. Harry does not avoid it this time, approaching her until the girl's arm falls around his shoulders. She presses her hand lightly against his biceps, and Harry feels pride in the squeeze. She's proud to see he has not turned back yet. She encourages him and, together, they continue their walk until entering the castle. 

Everyone is rushing to the big hall, many have already taken place. And when the renowned trio enters, silence takes place. Quickly broken by whispers that turn into cheers.  
Harry stiffen when he hears the applause swell, his name being sung. He stops, eyes wide open in panic. _No, no, no, no ! _ He doesn't want to be celebrated. He doesn't deserve this attention. He just wants to disappear.  
He shakes, his face breaks down. But hidden under his hood, nobody can see how his features are writhing with anguish. He wants to scream at them to make them shut up, forbid them to cheer. Him, a boy responsible for so many deaths.  
Putting his hands to his ears, his fingers clench in his hair. His breath becoming more and more unstable, he curls up, tense.  
And the clamors begin to diminish. Students slowly start to notice his abnormal behavior. He's not acting like a hero who should be celebrating a victory. The whispers resumes and Harry looks directly at Hermione. Plunging his now wet eyes in hers. 

"I can't... I can't do this... I can't..."

His voice is unstable. He shakes his head, his heart beating so hard that it hurts him. And unable to bear to be in this room any longer, with all these eyes locked on him, he decides this time to flee despite the imploring eyes of his friend. First stepping back with hesitation before turning to actually run. 

"HARRY !"

"Harry don't do this ! COME BACK !"

He hears Ron's voice call him but he doesn't stop, running through the empty corridors of the castle, to the point of losing his breath. He collapses in an isolated corner, just behind a statue. Tears roll against his cheeks, he feels like he has forgotten how to breathe. His eyes hastily watch the corridor around him, to make sure he is alone. And he suddenly realizes how everything seems to be normal again. The impacts of spells in the walls have disappeared, the stones have been repaired. The blood cleaned... as if nothing had ever happened.  
Clenching his fist against his jeans, he screams with his mouth shut.  
Biting his lip until he feels a metallic taste against his tongue.  
Why the hell did he agree to come back here ?  
He has already stop believing it. The faint glimmer of hope that Ron had offered him already vanished. Because he doesn't see how, how he could get better when all these people are looking at him like he's a hero. How he can endure this feeling everyday, that of not deserving their admiration. That of being sorry for all the misery of the world.  
No, it will not be okay. Nothing will be okay.


	3. What the fuck is wrong with you ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco and Harry meet again for the first time since the war.

When he finally managed to calm down, breathing more steady, Harry had wandered around the still empty castle. Everyone was still enjoying dinner in the great hall, celebrating the start of the new school year. He could hear noisy conversations echoing down the staircases, laughters and the enthusiastic clinking of cutlery. Everyone seemed so happy to be back. But the boy stayed alone, staring at the restored corridors with a heavy heart. Ignoring the warm greetings of the portraits, which rejoiced at his sight before grunting at his rudeness. He didn't care. He had quickly found the way out, now walking slowly along a path he knew only too well. His steps were guiding him towards the lake. 

Sinking in the darkness between the trees, Harry can already hear the wind caressing the surface of the water, a moist and shoothing lapping coming to lick his ears. There's no happy echoes here, only silence broken by the whispers of nature. Solitude. Or at least that's what he thought he would find....  
The lake in sight, the boy freezes when he discovers another silhouette. Sitting in the grass, contemplating the water. He recognizes effortlessly the blonde hair that turns nervously on hearing him approach. 

"Potter ?!"

"Malfoy ?!"

Their surprised exclamations mingle and the two boys then stare at each other in silence. As if time had been suddenly frozen.  
If there's one face that Harry never thought he would see again here, it's the slytherin's. Despite the darkness, he also quickly notices that it seems to have been damaged. A darker mark covering his right cheek that seems slightly swollen. His eyes also look far too bright, but from where he stands, the gryffindor can't say for sure that Malfoy was crying. 

"What are you doing here ?"

Harry finally asks, frowning and suspicious. Like a reflex, his hand has already slipped into the pocket of his sweatshirt to find the reassuring touch of his want. The steel eyes of his enemy seem to have noticed, observing the pocket before going back to the emerald irises. His lips let out a bitter grin. 

"I'm turning the question back to you, Potter. Shouldn't you be busy celebrating with everyone else in the hall ?

"I meant... what are you doing here, in Hogwarts ?"

The gryffindor rectifies without bothering to explain why he's not in the great hall. His eyes are icy and suspicious, the tone of his voice not showing more warmth. The blond turns away, returning his gaze to the water. Not even afraid to turn his back on the one who's clearly holding onto his wand and would have all the reasons in the world to use it against him. Making it look like he doesn't even care.

"Oh... that." 

The slytherin sighs, realizing the true meaning of the original question. He takes his time to think of an answer, passing a hand in his hair, strangely unkempt. He shrugs.

"My mother wanted me to come back."  
He refrains from giving more details but the raven haired boy can see him drop an agitated hand in the grass, his fingers starting to torture some strands. He seems anxious. 

"Why aren't you in the great hall ?"

Malfoy questions again and Harry lets out a heavy sigh. Not so annoyed by his insistence, but rather his inability to answer without losing his dignity. He doesn't want to admit that he freaked out so much he ran away, ending up crying like a weak and fragile thing, curled up on the castle's cold floor. 

"It's none of your business, Malfoy !"

He grunts , not wanting to confess and lacking too much of imagination to improvise a lie.  
An unpleasant shiver runs down his spine when he hears the blond sneer at his vehemence. His jaw tightens as he watches him rise to his feet to turn to him again. Against his wand, Harry feels his fingers tighten, he even starts to slowly pull it out of his pocket when the slytherin is bold enough to approach. 

"Oh chill Potter, I won't attack you." 

He says with a bored tone, walking nonchalantly before stopping only a few steps away from the gryffindor. So close, Harry is now sure that the blond cried and that his cheek is swollen, like he's been punched. His rival's eyes then narrows as if to analyze him and Harry's face scowls. 

"What are you doing ?"

"I'm trying to understand by myself since you don't want to answer."

The blond mumbles, he seems absent, lost in his analysis.

"What the fuck is wrong with you ?"

Harry grumbles, on his guard. Bewildered by the slytherin's behavior. He seems calm, almost too calm. His expression is empty and it's the first time the gryffindor sees him like this. No scorn or anger, not even his usual petty expression. As if the blond had been emptied of all emotions. It's awkward. 

"It seems like it's with you that's something's wrong." 

Malfoy states after observing the reddened and swollen eyes of the raven haired boy. It is obvious that he has lost weight since the war, a lot, too much even. His face is dull and his new pale skin brings out the deep dark circles under is eyes. 

"I beg your pardon ?!"

Harry looks at him with anger and Malfoy steps back a bit. No longer seeing the need to stay so close as he's done observing everyting he needed to.  
He raises his hands to put a finger under each of his eyes, referring to the gryffindor dark circles. 

"Aren't you supposed to sleep like a baby now that the war is over ?"

He asks and Harry holds an bitter grin. _ What makes Malfoy suddenly want to investigate his condition ? _ He hesistates a few seconds on turning back to simply avoid the annoying presence of the blond and his unsettling examination. Yet, strangely, his feet do not move and he even ends up opening his mouth to answer. 

"Well, you would think. But it's quite the opposite actually."

He doesn't know why he admits it, but he spits out his confession with a contempt tone. Offering his honesty reluctantly but with the hope that it would be enough to silence the curious blond.  
The latter seems to consider the information, slowly nodding his head, still inexpressive. Lost in a thought. 

"I see... Everyone thinks the great Potter must be relieved and happy to be done with the war, but in reality he remains tormented and haunted." 

Harry's eyes open wide, he looks at the blond with confusion. _ Since when has he become so insightful ? And above all, since when is he interested in the gryffindor psychology ? _ This analysis is far too confusing and Harry feels uncomfortable to see his vulnerability so exposed in these grey eyes. 

"... feeling like he doesn't even belong with the others anymore. That's why you came here alone isn't ? You can't stand to be around them anymore."

The slytherin finishes and all of Harry's muscles tense to those words that are too accurate. He feels his teeth clench so hard that he's almost afraid to break them. Malfoy is playing a very strange game and it doesn't take more of it for Harry's temperament to yield. His nerves already on edge. 

" Yeah well, congratulation, you've figured it all out. I got there and they started to scream my name and applaud and it made me anxious. I ran away, because all the stares and the cheering freaked me out. Happy with that ? Got your answer now ?"

He shoots his words to him, loosing control. His fists clench and his voice rise uncontrollably. His anger now echoing on the surface of the lake. He knows he should shut up, not tell him about his panic attack. However, he seems unable to stop and worse, he continues in his tracks. 

"It's almost a shame you weren't in the great hall at that time. I'm sure you would have loved to witness that. So go on Malfoy, don't hold back and laugh at my face, make fun of the famous Potter that became weak and nothing more than a fucking pathetic coward. You must be enjoying this I bet." 

The blond stares at the gryffindor without flinching during his whole speech. Frozen and suprised by his loss of control, wide-eyed. Harry expected to see him smile but the slytherin shows no satisfaction. On the contrary, he seems uncomfortable and Harry can see him swallows with difficulty, as if he were trying to swallow the words he just took with ferocity in his face. 

"I..." he begins timidly. "I would have loved to see that, yes..."

He can feel Harry tense more, his green irises turning black and his hand squeezing his wand with white knuckles. 

"... Once upon a time." 

He concludes, leaving the gryffindor suddenly confused. The blond brushes a hand once again in his hair and sighs. Their eyes meet again and the slytherin seems to read astonishment on Harry's face. 

"Don't be so surprised Potter, you think you're the only one the war has changed ? Our scars aren't the same but I know what it's like to have them. I've got some too." 

Harry chuckles coldly. Shaking his head slowly with consternaton. His mouth twisted with disgust. 

"Oh yeah, would you like me to apologize for depriving you of you beloved Dark Lord perhaps ?"

Obviously he didn't understand the blond's words, jumping on conclusions far too easy and yet far from the truth.  
Malfoy's face finally ceases to look empty, he's clearly offended by the comment. Now writhing in an expression of anger. He seems almost hurt, or maybe upset. Harry has trouble figuring it out. But there's no doubt, he feels insulted. 

"Don't be daft Potter ! Do you really think I'm not relieved that you killed him ?"

Harry doesn't answer, once more frozen with surprise. It's now the slytherin's turn to lose his temper. 

"Merlin, I thought you were more insighful, but i guess you really are stupid. Do you really think that I wanted all this ? To become a fucking death eather, to spend my life in his service ?" 

He growls and shakes his head. Getting agitated. 

"I never had any saying in this, don't you know that ? Or can't the great fucking Potter consider the idea of being stuck in a life that we didn't choose ? And for Merlin's sake, don't give me one of your moralizing speeches that tells me we always have a choice. The one who dares pretend that he would have run away even if his life, and worse the life of those he holds dear, was at stake is a bloody hypocrite." 

The quesiton has the effect of a electric shock. The raven haired boy feels disillusioned. Of course he can understand, better than anyone. Only, the idea that Malfoy might have been stuck himself in an imposed destiny had never come to his mind. For him, the blond had never been anything more than treacherous and attracted to evil. He had never doubted the motives that had made him take the mark... As always, he had jumped to the easiest conclusion without giving it too much thought. Not caring to see further. Blinded by their rivalry and hatred.  
Now feeling terribly guilty for never having bothered to try to understand the slytherin, to have continued to believed that the boy might regret the defeat of the party he had seemed to be fighting for.  
Harry looks down, staring at his shoes. Can he really accept the idea of feeling compassion for his enemy ? He bites his lip, lost in thought.  
He understands, yes, but the idea confuses him. It's like all his beliefs suddenly collapse. The hostile wall that was constantly held in front of Malfoy slowly crumbles, revealing itself to be nothing but gravel of lies.  
Everything was simpler when he was young and thought the world was either black ou white. From now on, everything becomes too complicated. _Malfoy becomes complicated. _ As if it wasn't fucked up enough in his head...

"I... I never thought of it that way."

He finally confesses in a breath. 

"No, of course you didn't. Why would the evil Malfoy have been reluctant to receive the mark? why would he not have been delighted to become the puppet of his hero Lord Voldemort ?" 

He sneers with irony. Raising a hand to his forehead, he then closes his eyes and takes a deep breath to calm down.

"But to be honest, I guess I didn't really leave room for doubt. I had to look the part after all." 

He admits. He couldn't let the others see his flaws, let alone those who watched him so closely with the hope of seeing hom commit the commisionned atrocities. They would have killed him on the spot, and his mother with, if they had seen his reluctance, his desire to flee and to join the opposite ranks. Malfoy had not had the luxury of screaming for help. He couldn't risk to have them finding out about his wish to escape. 

"Well you did a great job with that then. You were so believable I never cared to try to understand you."

Harry says, acknowledging his lack of efforts towards the blond. Why would he have made some anyways ? At the time, things seemed so well established between them. Deadly enemies, two perfect opposites. Now all of this seems to have losts its meaning.  
The raven haired boy feels uncomfortable with this honest conversation, the open hearted exchange with the slytherin being very strange. Clearing his throat, his eyes riveted on the grass, he then moves forward to approach the water, passing Malfoy, taking care not to walk too close. He now has his back turn to him, realizing that he's still holding his wand, he hesitates for a moment to let go of it.  
The slytherin does indeed not seem to have planned to attack... If Harry struggles to already trust him, he still decides to drop his defense, for now. Putting the wand back in his pocket, he lets his arm fall empty. He can almost hear a slight grateful sigh escape from the blond. 

"Why didn't you go to the great hall ?" 

It's the gryffindor's turn to ask this question.

"Do you think you're the only one who wants to disappear and not be noticed ? Everyone is suspicious, and everyone hates me. Take you for example, your first instinct when you saw me was to catch your wand... That means everything. I'm still that death eather, the boy who fought the war on the wrong side, a criminal that everyone would rather see dead or in Azkaban." 

The words seem hard to get out, his voice hurt to draw this self portrait that is definitely not flattering. It is true that the image of Malfoy is deplorable and certainly difficult to change. It's almost like the words 'public enemy' are tattooed on his forehead. And his arm wearing the now faded mark will remain an eternal reminder of his past mistakes. No one will be able to forget, and those wo can forgive will surely be rare. 

"Your face ?"

The gryffindor asks then.

"My return to hogwarts was celebrated less warmly than yours." 

The slytherin is content to respond with a biterness tone and Harry can easily picture the rest of the story.  
Time seems to float. The silence falls and Harry can hear the wind again on the surface of the water, in the trees and the leaves. The breeze is cool, it announces that autumn is very close. He closes his eyes for a moment, feeling the wind on his face. He smells the scents of the lake, a mixture of wet grass, bark and mud. 

"I should go back inside."

He decides. He won't be able to escape forever, stay here all year long until it's over. He has no choice... And delaying the moment will not make it less inevitable.  
Turning on his heels, he starts to walk away. Tilting his head towards the blond who had been staring at him all this time. 

"Goodbye Malfoy."

He simply says, his voice deprived of emotions as he passes again near him to reach the woods and resume the path to the castle. 

"Potter !"

The slytherin stops him with a sudden shout. Harry freezes but do not turn around. He just wait to hear what he has to say.

"I... I just wanted you to know I'm... I'm sorry." 

Malfoy's voice seems weak, as if stuck in his throat. But the raven haired boy manages to hear him anyway. This word that he never thought he would hear trough his rival's lips leaves him with a strange and disturbing feeling. And he finds himself too confused to answer it. Clumsily nodding before continuing his way, leaving the blond behind him. He hastens to join the castle, the word replaying in a loop in his head. _ Sorry... _ Malfoy had just told him he's sorry... That was something he would surely have to process for a while before knowing what to do of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think of this first encounter ? Let me know :)


	4. I really miss you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Ron's friendship reach the breaking point.
> 
> ___
> 
> So... this is my first time writing straight in english. I kept it short for my first try, cause it's a bit hard for me. But I'm trying to do my best and improve. I wish I had the skill to go deeper but... Yeah.  
Let me know how it turns out :)
> 
> ___________________________

_ Sorry_... Malfoy said he was sorry. Harry keeps replaying the word in his head, less and less sure that he heard proprely. Because it really is unbelievable. He can't help but wonder if it's a trick and if maybe the blond is playing a new sick game with him.  
Walking towards the castle, his eyes turned to the ground and lost in his thoughts, he can't see his best friends at the door. Even though they're having a loud and animated conversation. 

"He's here ! HARRY !"

Hermione shouts, startling the boy who lift his head to see his two friends rushing towards him. The girl jump to his neck, embracing him strongly.

"We thought you had left !"

She whispers with relieve but Harry stays frozen, no longer knowing how to hug it seems. He ends up grabbing her softly by the shoulder to push her away and free himself, feeling uncomfortable. 

"I didn't. I was just taking a walk."

He doesn't mention his meeting with Malfoy, for now it's still far too confusing and he wouldn't know what to say. Also, he doesn't feel like sharing, it would be too much talking.  
Ron stays quiet, just looking at his best friend with a figure of despair. Harry can tell he was scared and that he resents him a bit for having fled like he did. Leaving them wondering in anxiety. The redhead is getting tired of the raven haired boy's mood, not knowing how to deal with his ups and down. Everytime he starts hoping, thinking Harry's finally getting better, his hope ends up being crushed. 

"It's alright Harry. I understand."

Hermione states, being the comprehensive one. She's always trying to reassure him but Harry wonders if she isn't losing hope herself. Maybe she's just better at pretending than her boyfriend. He feels bad at that thought, knowing his depression is just hurting his friends. But there's nothing he can do about it, otherwise he would have done it... Sometimes he finds himself thinking he'd better leave them, break their friendship up so they can be free of him. Not having to care anymore. He's just a weight on their shoulders and they'd probably be better without him. 

"I think I want to go to bed now. Can we go to the dorm ?"

He asks in a low voice. He feels sleepy but knows he won't get any sleep anyway. He actually just wants to be alone. Pretend with his eyes closed so nobody will bother him.  
His brows then frowns when he see his friends suddenly become awkward at that request. They look at each other like they're having a silent conversation, a conversation he's not part of. Hermione bites her lips, Ron clears his throat. Harry doesn't have to be a genius to understand that something is up. 

"What ? What is it ?"

He urges.

"Yeaaah... about that mate... Big news this year..." 

Ron starts timidly, looking everywhere but at Harry. He's never been good with the talking, giving news is not is forte. Hermione knows it and takes over.

"Headmistress McGonagall has decided to make some changes this year. She thinks that, after going trough the war, we should learn to unite more. She believes the whole house system encourage rivalery, so she's abolished the house cup, therefore houses will no longer get points."

So far, it doesn't seem so bad, but Harry knows that's not it and stays quiet as he waits to hear to rest. 

"Also... Now the dorms won't be by house, but by year... "

"Which means we have to share a dorm with the slytherins..." 

Ron adds.  
_Oh, so that's what it was. _ The thing they looked so scared to tell him. Strangely tough, Harry doesn't seem to care. He's even a bit disapointed by the news, he was expecting something terrible, seeing how anxious his friend were.  
He nodds, not really affected by the idea of sharing dorms with the other houses. It won't change much for him as he intend to stay as far away from everyone as possible anyway. He was already planning to avoid the common room. 

"But don't worry, not many have come back. And we didn't even see Draco so, that's good news right ?"

Hermione tries to look positive. It's almost funny because Harry knows she's wrong.

"Oh he came back."

He informs them with a flat tone and they look at him with surprise and confusion. Baffled, Hermione starts to open her mouth.

"I saw him, briefly."

Harry adds before she gets a chance to say anything, already knowing she would ask how he knows anyway. 

"But... how.... how was he allowed to come back after... I mean, shouldn't he be in Azkaban or something ? He's a fucking death eater !" 

Ron protests vividly and Harry understands a bit better what the blond told him at the lake. The slytherin is not welcome here, and in a way, the gryffidor finds himself feeling a bit of admiration towards him. Because, he did come back, even knowing he would have to face the hate. He could have stayed hidden at the manor, but he didn't. That takes courage. He who always thought the boy was nothing more than a coward finds himself suprised. Thinking that he himself almost didn't come back although he's more than welcome... Since when is Malfoy more valiant than him ? 

"I don't know, and to be honest I don't care. I really just want to go to bed now. Please, show me where our new dorm is." 

Harry cuts the conversation short. Still confused about that _ sorry _. Not yet ready to take Malfoy's defense, but not willing to diss him either. He wants to understand first. He has too many questions for the blond but no idea where to start. 

Ron and Hermione are cleary bewildered by his lack of reaction but maybe they should get used to it. Harry doesn't seem to care about anything anymore. Not even the fact that they have to share dorm with slytherins and especially with his enemy.

"Well... Okay then."

The girl surrenders. Giving a firm stare at her boyfriend who was ready to protest again to make him shut up.

They then lead Harry as requested to the dorm, and without detour, he rushes to find the gryffindor boy room before letting himself fall on his new bed with a sigh. Nobody's in the bedroom yet, they're all busy chatting in the common room. Probably about him and his new attitude. Not understanding why he freaked out in the great hall and why he's still avoiding everyone, even his old friends. He didn't even greet Neville. Even tough he knows he should. The boy played a major part in ending Voldemort's life for good. But he just can't face him yet.  
Crawling under the bed sheets with his clothes still on, he feels like the weakest thing on earth.  
He closes his eyes, enjoying the emptiness of the room, the silence. But then he hears the door, ans steps coming towards him. Someone sits on his bed, he feels the weight. 

"Harry... can we... talk ?" 

Ron's voice. Harry keeps his eyes closed, trying to make him understand now is not the time.

"Please Ron, not now. I just want to be alone and sleep..." 

He begs. He's been trough enough for today, his thoughts are to messy to talk. He just wants to shut down. He's exhausted.

"But you always want to be alone... And I... I really miss you."

Harry's heart ache. _ Please don't say this. It's killing me._ He finally opens his eyes to look at his best friend. The redhead looks like he's about to cry. 

"Ron... I'm really sorry..."

He means it, and maybe he's missing himself too. Standing up a bit, he leans on his elbow. He sighs. 

"But you have to stop waiting for me. For the old me... he's gone Ron. This new me is not just some phase. The war broke me, for good. This is who I am now. Things will never be the same again. Ever."

Harry really wants him to understand. He needs Ron to accept and move on. Because he'll never be able to give him what he wants. And Harry can't deal with the pressure anymore.  
Ron growls, shaking his head before getting on his feet. He reached his limit and this time Hermione is not here to calm him and refrain him from speaking his mind.

"No. I don't want to believe this. This is bullshit. For fuck sake you're not even trying Harry ! It's almost like you enjoy being miserable. Like you want to be this victim. Why, why do like beating yourself up that much ? What's so wrong about just being happy ?" 

His voice rise, he's shaking with anger. And Harry can feel himself getting angry too. Does Ron really believe that he feels broken by choice ? That he wants to feel so anxious and guilty all the time. Hating himself so much.  
The green eyes boy is seriously disappointed by his friends's lack of understanding. Hurt even. After everything they went through, how can he say such things ? Harry stands and sit, lifting an arm to point at the door. He just can't deal with this now, not today. He can't bare to endure more. He needs a break. 

"If that what you truely believe, then just get out Ron. Get out and don't talk to me again. Just forget about me and go live your own life, that is if you have one. " 

This is it, their breaking point. Harry knew it was bound to happen, it was only a matter of time. The redhead patience was getting weaker by the day. And Harry doesn't have the strength to save it. It's easier to give up at this point.  
Ron takes a last look at him, his eyes shining with rage. They stare at each other in silence for a moment. Both angry.

"Very well, fuck off then."

Ron then spits before leaving the room with heavy and quick steps, banging the door behind him. 

Alone again, Harry finds himself holding an urge to hit the walls. He even wants to hit himself. He just feels distressed. His world his completely falling apart now. He's got nothing left.  
He thought he had managed to go through that first day but no. Everything is even worse now. Pressing his hands on his face, he finally screams in his palms.  
Feeling like he's drowning. How is he supposed to get out of this nightmare ? Everything is just so dark around him.


End file.
